quick thoughts of the heart

Bear with me as I write my thoughts of love, relationship, and all that.

I don’t know how I could commit myself into a relationship when I knew that I wasn’t completely ready. Single (average self-esteemed) people, when you’ve read that you should love yourself before you can love others, it is so true. SO TRUE. Only when you’ve truly felt like you’re enough and you’re perfect just the way you are and you love yourself without conditions…only then you’d be able to give your love to someone else…to give the effort to love someone else.

My instinct, gut feeling, or whatever was warning me. Yet I ignored it. I wanted to give it a chance. Nothing wrong in that, yes. But it IS wrong when you commit to something you’re not sure about. There was a dilemma in this. And I took the plunge.

By doing so, I am hurting the other person. And this will hurt me more, knowing that I’m doing this to the other person.

If he were the one, I wouldn’t look elsewhere. If he were the one, I’d give my ALL. I know my ALL. I gave it once to someone before.

Our personalities don’t fit. Our expectations don’t fit. Our ideas of love and relationship don’t fit. Our goals for the future don’t fit.

Then how the heck did we end up together, you ask? Foolish hope. Desperation for someone to lean on. Someone new. Different.

It’s sad. Truly is. Won’t deny it.

Listening to “I don’t feel it anymore” by William Fitzsimmons.

Fin.

Stability

Someone I used to know told me that instead of looking for a stable relationship, I should first stabilise my career, finances, and my own being. I was stuck with this thought for over a year now, and today, I realised something.

While having everything “stable” is highly encouraged, I was wondering what if I could not have a stable career and/or finance status? What if that would come as I age? Do I have to wait so long before being in a relationship? Of course the “my own being” is top priority, though. But what about the rest?

And what if my own being demands to always be on the move, to always have exciting moments? So my career can’t be in one specific long-term field. Instead, it’ll be something that is a roller-coaster with safety bar at most times because my being demands to travel and take risks. That would be bad for my financial status, yes, but money will surely come by. I don’t have to be so rich – just enough and a bit more to get me by.

Would I be able to get a “stable” relationship when my own being wants adventures, excitement, roller-coasters…? Of course I would. I will. For there is someone out there with the same dream as mine. :)

Chase your dreams, my lovelies!

/E

Si Tu Vois Ma Mère

The credits rolled up on “Midnight in Paris” with this lovely trumpet music. Shazam’ed it and I grabbed my Android to download it. To my delightful surprise, one of my favorite musicians, Ludovico Einaudi, has played it.
———
Tonight was my second night alone in the apartment as my housemate has gone on vacation. The night before, I watched two great films; first was You’ve Got Mail, and the other, Liberal Arts. I don’t need to say much about the former film, except that it was much better to watch now in my adult life. The latter was surprisingly realistic in a way. I chose the DVD simply because of the title…and that’s because most people have placed my educational background in the “liberal arts”. And wonderfully, the title didn’t disappoint me at all on the screen of my television. I laughed and shed a little tear or two with both films. Really enjoyed my night even though I had a very terrible headache whilst watching them. I slept well and woke up truly fresh. Not even the “lecture” I received with my colleagues from the man could falter my…contentment? Ha!

So, this evening, after doing little house chores and heating up dinner, I decided to finally watch some DVDs that I’ve “borrowed” from my sister’s collection. Still into the vibe of Channing Tatum’s 22JS film I watched few days ago, I picked up “The Vow”. I loved the way the two main characters have chosen their paths…their “certain way of life”. Live in the city and become creatively woven into each other…and still have the characters of kindness to others who are unkind towards them. Beautiful.

After I prepped the mattress in front of the tv and switched the air-con on, I had to choose another DVD to watch before bed. Now, i don’t know why but when I picked up “Midnight in Paris” in my hand, I had a fleeting moment of je ne sais quoi. And that is exactly how it felt like almost throughout the film.

Yes, Paris is the city of romanticism. Woody Allen was just hitting the right spots in my gut. Touching the subject of the illusion of life is always better in the last than the present. I’ve been struggling with this notion for quite sometime now…and to have this set with amazing writers and artists…in Paris(!) was just…what I needed.

And what more with Ludovico Einaudi, my I Giorni muse, had covered that piece I mentioned earlier!

Alas. I share this wonderful feeling only with myself and the online platform. I love Paris. It is true; it is a city of romanticism…in both impractical ideals and attitude, and of exciting and mysterious adventure. I hope to go back one day. And who knows, maybe I’ll just be as a dreamer as Gill Pender…

Maybe not. Probably similar :)

Chase your dreams, lovelies!

/E

Heritage vs Culture and between Love and Trust.

Below is the exact post I have on my Facebook:

After the wedding reception, I went to the after-party at my friend’s (i.e. the groom) place and his family was all there. He’s mixed Berawan and English so can you imagine the crowd?

I got to taste Tuak Berawan-style and it was less lethal than the Tuak Iban. Lol and I even got to dance their traditional Berawan dance a little as a mark of respect. It isn’t that different to Ngajat Iban.

It was nice to be in touch with a heritage that’s similar to mine…celebrated and respected. Didn’t think Miri could surprise me this way.

Brunei, could you?

Hmm…

The solemnization ceremony between Jeff & Lydia that afternoon was emotional and beautiful; what more held on the beach! :) Reception was a bit more systematic, but I guess I’m speaking from a non-relative perspective. The after-party at Jeff’s was great! ;)

But there is that downside about weddings for me. People already finding their additional happiness in someone else who makes them better.

There was a moment that I managed to witness when Jeff cups his wife’s face in his hands after she took a shot of an alcoholic drink that his mum offered her. She doesn’t usually drink so I’m guessing Jeff was saying “well done, love, you did alright :)”. They shared a moment of re-assurance and inter-dependence between each other. Like, awwww. Ha.

What is your favourite wedding moment?

/E