Stability

Someone I used to know told me that instead of looking for a stable relationship, I should first stabilise my career, finances, and my own being. I was stuck with this thought for over a year now, and today, I realised something.

While having everything “stable” is highly encouraged, I was wondering what if I could not have a stable career and/or finance status? What if that would come as I age? Do I have to wait so long before being in a relationship? Of course the “my own being” is top priority, though. But what about the rest?

And what if my own being demands to always be on the move, to always have exciting moments? So my career can’t be in one specific long-term field. Instead, it’ll be something that is a roller-coaster with safety bar at most times because my being demands to travel and take risks. That would be bad for my financial status, yes, but money will surely come by. I don’t have to be so rich – just enough and a bit more to get me by.

Would I be able to get a “stable” relationship when my own being wants adventures, excitement, roller-coasters…? Of course I would. I will. For there is someone out there with the same dream as mine. :)

Chase your dreams, my lovelies!

/E

2:32 am

Where in the world do I begin? How rude. I should say hello. Hello.

What’s been going on?

I love giving training. To date, I’ve given about 7-8 training to new recruits and current staff. Earlier at work, I gave a one-on-one training to this guy who didn’t do so well in my test so he didn’t make the passing mark for his overall training. After his re-test, his score was much MUCH better – an A! In my recent training for new recruits, I enjoyed them so much. And my trainees are good to me. I think I am cut out for teaching. I guess it runs in the family. :)

However, it’s not so much for teaching per se. It’s more like counselling or motivational speaking. I love it. I’d rather stand to speak in front of a crowd and present to them something that makes people want to interact and be positive. Something new to think about. Something emotional. Something to do with the good of people. I especially loved it when my trainees shoot back at me the questions I ask them even though I’d be hesitant to answer at first simply ’cause I’m shy. Haha. But honestly, I love it. It’s a good feeling when the things you talk to them about and they use it. Like wow. I’m giving something back.

Desk-work. My real work scope. Hmm. It’s fun to be challenged, but it can be too much. I’m losing weight and I put on such a stressed-out face that I can’t hide it anymore. But everyday, I’m starting to enjoy what I do. My job is important – it can be such a weight to carry on my shoulders but at the same time, I like that I am contributing for the benefit of the company. And for that, I am grateful. Grateful to God for this opportunity, grateful to my family for understanding my late nights, grateful to my boss for being a boss and a mentor per se, grateful to my big boss for his trust in me, grateful for the colleagues who are always so supportive. I’m grateful.

PhD application is on hold at the moment. I’ve thought of more things to write about when I do my proposal in the future. By God’s will.

And socially, I’m where I’ve not been in years. Not seeing anyone. It is a learning lesson for me when I got into another relationship after a pretty long relationship. A valuable mistake. I don’t regret it. All about the experience. In these recent months, I’m still trying to understand certain kinds of men (or boys) there are out there. It’s all been very interesting. I’ve had a fair share of women to understand, too. The sociology aspect of all this is just amazing.

I was also amazed at myself (lol) on the way I handled an angry person. This person was raising his voice, was trying to blame it all on me for his lack of patience in something quite unnecessary to be angry about…and I just looked at him in the eye with a smile on my face and said, “Okay…okay…it’s okay…” twice, just to freaking calm him down. I was gonna say, “Okay, okay, it’s okay…calm down, no need for all this” but I thought the ‘rant’ would be even longer. He turned around and muttered, “So stupid” before walking away. The next day, he was the one that made the situation between us awkward…like he felt silly for his attitude the day before. He was trying to provoke me, but why would I be provoked?

Anyways.

One of my trainees shouted out in class, “Miss, what I’ve noticed about you is that you catch up on people’s behaviour so fast. Like you don’t really know the person but you know what they’re about just by interacting with them within first few minutes. You absorb it so fast. Pretty interesting how you can do that”. Touche, girl, touche.

This really long post concludes like so; these past few weeks have been…hmm… I’ve listened to people’s heart-wrenching stories, their happy secrets, their sad situations… Sometimes I don’t know how I could be their listener…and then I feel sorry for them for having to be in those situations or I feel so happy for them for having their big break in life. Then I feel sorry for myself. I still have that problem to share, to have someone to listen FOR me. I’m not complaining; I just wonder how it would feel like.

But it’s all good. I’m thankful that I am an instrument in God’s plan to be a listener.

Goodnight world. 3:37am

Don’t forget your dreams. But don’t forget to wake up to realize them.

/E

priorities vs values

I don’t really know what the title of this post means but doesn’t really matter. It’s just what I heard from someone at work, who was talking about which one do we hold belief on. Values, he said, are the ones who should take over priorities.

There’s so much that one can take. So much that one can think about. I know I think too much a lot of the times, so I always try to stop myself from doing that. But at the same time, I can’t decide whether that’s really what I wanna do or not. Lol. You see?

I’m at the point in my life where I think I should know what I want, where I wanna go. But with everything that’s going on, I don’t know what I want, where I want to be. I seem to analyse almost everything to try and understand which one is worth holding onto.

And I’m freaking scared.

It feels as if I’m starting all over again.

I’ve actually been so tired for the past two days. Well, I shed tears while in a conversation with a colleague because I felt so overwhelmed with what’s been going on. Tonight I shared a good cry with one of my good friends ’cause she was crying. Hah… Life, you frighten me.

One of the things I realized was that I’m trying to be good. To myself, to my family, my friends, my colleagues, the person who loves me… I’m much busier trying to make everyone else happy because that makes me feel happy. I know that their problems are bigger than mine. But I’m getting exhausted. So exhausted. I can’t keep on wearing this smile.

There was so much I wanted to just pour out here… But no. My head’s spinning.

/E

I actually miss you. But I know I miss who I want you to be when you’re with me. You’re not who I want you to be, most of the time. So, it’s my bad.