Overthinking

I just wish you could do more. People say expect less so that you’d be disappointed less. But I can’t help it, especially with you. In fact, you’ve exceeded all disappointments. I don’t know if I should even try anymore. You haven’t succeeded in me. I thought you have, and you thought you have. You haven’t. I don’t see any effort. I don’t see anything from you to re-assure me. All I see are words and promises – none of which are fulfilled as of yet. Patience, you tell me. Unfair, I’m trying to tell you. I deserve better.

/E

reminder

upon telling him what really happened;
his face changed. the look of disappointment was so obvious. it sliced a little of my heart.
“Wow…that’s just…wow. Mind blasting.”
“I know. I know it’s bad…”
our conversation went on for about five minutes;
“I’m really sorry!”
“No, don’t be…It’s just…I’m sorry actually. I’m just…disappointed.”
“I know…” I am, too…
the look on his face was enough. in the three or four faces i’ve seen – his face struck a profound note in me.
“What happened to you, Emie?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me”
“No, nothing’s wrong with you, everyone goes through this. Maybe not the same situation, but similar choices. Between the heart and mind. You have to choose.”
“What do you mean heart and mind? Which one should I be listening to?”
“Heart is what you want. Mind is what your brain is telling you…the reasonable one. Your brain KNOWS this is not right. Your heart and what you’re feeling are saying this feels right, but your mind knows it’s wrong. So wrong, Emie. You have to choose which one. I think you know the answer. I think you know what you should be choosing.”
Sigh.
“But if you do choose to be that way, then that’s that. Whatever makes you happy. No one can say otherwise…”
“But I don’t wanna be that kind of person. I don’t wanna be that. That’s not me. I won’t be happy.”
“Then what are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

What am I doing to myself? :(

“We’ll talk more about this tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, I needed that. I needed that look on your face.”

The look of disappointment. It’s the look I “felt” in me for what happened. What have I become?

SIGH.

/E