Letting go

‪I let go a couple of friendships in the name of leaving that “pretending” part of myself. It’s been almost a year; I’m still trying to live.‬

It’s not like I suddenly decided to desert these childhood-old friendships — it was a series of events or feelings or experiences that led to me disappearing without caring how I’d hurt or offend the other party.

I’m not gonna try to defend myself of why I did what I did but I did it because I felt I needed to do so. A year on, I’m still struggling. Struggling to not put on a facade.

What I’m gonna do is acknowledging that I have a problem. I have a problem keeping up with my feelings and my thoughts to appreciate the time that these friendships gave me. I have a problem expressing myself so I’m often misunderstood or ignored. I have a problem being too preoccupied with myself that I forget it’s a two-way street. I have a problem that I want to be a good listener but I end up not really listening at all.

I miss my friends, of course. But I often find myself, drifting. Feeling so alone even in a room full of good people. I was terrified. Was I a positive contributor in this room? Why was/am I like this?

What am I doing wrong?

So I disappeared. I turned off whatsapp. Turned off Instagram. Turned off Facebook. For almost a month. A friend did try to call and message me but I ignored her. She tried but I didn’t accept the call or replied the message.

And she was the only one who truly tried to reach out. Yet she was the final trigger for my disappearance.

I came out of hiding and re-socialised. It felt different and the same.

I was still struggling.

I no longer converse with old friends from school. I busy myself with work and good friends from university. I am bad with keeping appointments that I’ve lost contact with a close friend from high school now.

A best friend I used to have is no longer interested in keeping tabs ever since our misunderstanding. We are civil but things are not the same anymore.

I do realise that people change. Their priorities change. Lifestyle changes. And I get that. Everyone has their struggles. And you know what, I’m actually okay, not being involved in the struggles of these people I used to know. This is simply because we’ve changed and no longer need to pretend we could learn to care about each other. Our paths are not aligned. It’s not like we didn’t try to make it right. The river has run its course.

So I make new friends. I try to. I’m still struggling with my issues. But I’m trying to make positive changes. Clean slate. Past matters but not to be carried forward.

But that is in no way that the disappearance has set everything in stone. Far from it. Since you are starting anew, whatever you decide from now will define your future. I’m still working on that – it’s slow but it’s progress anyway. I would love to reconnect but I’m not ready…nor prepared if things go south.

So. 

Good luck to us all who feel alone in a room full of people who supposedly understand us but don’t. Good luck to all of us who felt the need to disappear and then have the courage to reinvent themselves. Good luck to you, trying to make meaning of your life. Good luck to you, finding yourself in this vast world of mixed emotions and all.

Good luck and God bless.

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Depression

Someone once told me that there are days where we are up high in the sky, and where we are down below…probably lower than the surface. And that it is normal.

Normal.

Someone else told me that when we feel sad in reaction to something that’s supposed to make us feel relieved (like lost-cause relationship that got broken up), it means that we are grieving. Grieving the loss of what’s being replaced. Even if it is supposed to be a good thing, and it is. But it is normal to grieve.

Normal.

Today, someone told me that he doesn’t feel normal. He feels lower than the surface everyday with a facade that says otherwise. And he feels that his kind of grieving is never-ending.

Depression.

Last night, I allowed myself to sink low, grieve, and feel sorry. Numbing whatever I was trying to express. And just spoke to random strangers on social media to fill the void. The void of being totally alone with my thoughts and feelings.

Depression. It comes and goes, but there to remind that it will always be around. Not amounting to whatever dreams and ambitions created.

Depression is not normal. It isn’t just what it is.