Letting go

‪I let go a couple of friendships in the name of leaving that “pretending” part of myself. It’s been almost a year; I’m still trying to live.‬

It’s not like I suddenly decided to desert these childhood-old friendships — it was a series of events or feelings or experiences that led to me disappearing without caring how I’d hurt or offend the other party.

I’m not gonna try to defend myself of why I did what I did but I did it because I felt I needed to do so. A year on, I’m still struggling. Struggling to not put on a facade.

What I’m gonna do is acknowledging that I have a problem. I have a problem keeping up with my feelings and my thoughts to appreciate the time that these friendships gave me. I have a problem expressing myself so I’m often misunderstood or ignored. I have a problem being too preoccupied with myself that I forget it’s a two-way street. I have a problem that I want to be a good listener but I end up not really listening at all.

I miss my friends, of course. But I often find myself, drifting. Feeling so alone even in a room full of good people. I was terrified. Was I a positive contributor in this room? Why was/am I like this?

What am I doing wrong?

So I disappeared. I turned off whatsapp. Turned off Instagram. Turned off Facebook. For almost a month. A friend did try to call and message me but I ignored her. She tried but I didn’t accept the call or replied the message.

And she was the only one who truly tried to reach out. Yet she was the final trigger for my disappearance.

I came out of hiding and re-socialised. It felt different and the same.

I was still struggling.

I no longer converse with old friends from school. I busy myself with work and good friends from university. I am bad with keeping appointments that I’ve lost contact with a close friend from high school now.

A best friend I used to have is no longer interested in keeping tabs ever since our misunderstanding. We are civil but things are not the same anymore.

I do realise that people change. Their priorities change. Lifestyle changes. And I get that. Everyone has their struggles. And you know what, I’m actually okay, not being involved in the struggles of these people I used to know. This is simply because we’ve changed and no longer need to pretend we could learn to care about each other. Our paths are not aligned. It’s not like we didn’t try to make it right. The river has run its course.

So I make new friends. I try to. I’m still struggling with my issues. But I’m trying to make positive changes. Clean slate. Past matters but not to be carried forward.

But that is in no way that the disappearance has set everything in stone. Far from it. Since you are starting anew, whatever you decide from now will define your future. I’m still working on that – it’s slow but it’s progress anyway. I would love to reconnect but I’m not ready…nor prepared if things go south.

So. 

Good luck to us all who feel alone in a room full of people who supposedly understand us but don’t. Good luck to all of us who felt the need to disappear and then have the courage to reinvent themselves. Good luck to you, trying to make meaning of your life. Good luck to you, finding yourself in this vast world of mixed emotions and all.

Good luck and God bless.

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Attempting to answer – what is the meaning of life

Life is never easy for anyone. You want to leave a mark on the world but you feel so small and insignificant. You don’t realize how big you actually are and how important the things you do. Think of the ripple effect. Think of all the people in your life who are in any way affected by you. You can change lives (you most likely already do). You can have an impact on the world (everyone can). You just have to set your goals and make a plan. And remember that everything you do matters and that even the little things can make a huge difference.

Lee Garibaldi

Chase your dreams, my lovelies.

/E

Stability

Someone I used to know told me that instead of looking for a stable relationship, I should first stabilise my career, finances, and my own being. I was stuck with this thought for over a year now, and today, I realised something.

While having everything “stable” is highly encouraged, I was wondering what if I could not have a stable career and/or finance status? What if that would come as I age? Do I have to wait so long before being in a relationship? Of course the “my own being” is top priority, though. But what about the rest?

And what if my own being demands to always be on the move, to always have exciting moments? So my career can’t be in one specific long-term field. Instead, it’ll be something that is a roller-coaster with safety bar at most times because my being demands to travel and take risks. That would be bad for my financial status, yes, but money will surely come by. I don’t have to be so rich – just enough and a bit more to get me by.

Would I be able to get a “stable” relationship when my own being wants adventures, excitement, roller-coasters…? Of course I would. I will. For there is someone out there with the same dream as mine. :)

Chase your dreams, my lovelies!

/E

my love’s too big for you, my love

:)

It is one of those things that I’ve learned. People aren’t perfect. People make mistakes. At first, I was oblivious. No. Blind. I looked through the imperfections. I let myself become vulnerable. I know better now. I was angry. Then I looked at myself. I’ve done my share of bad things. So I suppose it’s only fair that something bad has happened to me. And that’s okay. I move on.

I get to know different sorts of people. How low a person can go. How high. My good friend once told me this:

you do realize you have to overcome this first, then you can move on to the problems of the world. if you have not fought this, it will be hard for you to accept what’s out there.

I wanted to believe that it was otherwise. The good people I have beside me have been so patient with me (or maybe not! hehe) and they’re glad that I’ve finally seen it for myself. Irony of that is that the person I’m disappointed with said to me this: “You have to see it to believe it”. And hell, I saw it without him realizing it. So thank you.

Life goes on as it never ends.

Yes, it’s painful. But everything will be okay. I’ll be okay.

 

The only person you have control over is yourself.

/E

big aims.

The past couple of months I’ve been on and off having conversations with one of my great friends about “making it big”. He has visions of making it out on his own and, God willing, visions become awesome achievements. And he has so much faith in me. He believes in me more than I believe in myself because he wants me to chase my dreams, too.

Few nights ago, I had another similar conversation with a man. We’ve started this trail of conversation last year, and it was great to catch up with how he was doing on his side recently. I found myself smiling, intrigued with this man’s wisdom and perseverance into working his dream for himself and his family. That night, I learned that nothing worthwhile ever truly comes easy. Requires patience, determination, belief and effort.

Several hours ago, I had a similar line of conversation with my best friend. “I hope you see that I have big aims”, he said, softly. “And I hope you see that I’m here for you to help you achieve them,” I replied.

Three different people, similar goals. One is just gradually starting, one is working through the ropes, and the other is thinking and talking about it. My support varies, but with the same intention i.e. to keep these people moving towards their aims. It’s one of those things that I have to tell myself, too. I’ve got to make my move, got to be determined, and got to help myself.

And of all these three people, the one that I had hoped to include me in their plans didn’t. Sad, isn’t it? Or maybe I’m over-thinking.

I shall blame this depression on every girl’s excuse i.e. PMS. Don’t wanna dwell on this.

“I don’t need a cheerleader. I need a striker.” – a good quote my friend shared with me. Can’t I be both?

 

Till then.

/E