Letting go

‪I let go a couple of friendships in the name of leaving that “pretending” part of myself. It’s been almost a year; I’m still trying to live.‬

It’s not like I suddenly decided to desert these childhood-old friendships — it was a series of events or feelings or experiences that led to me disappearing without caring how I’d hurt or offend the other party.

I’m not gonna try to defend myself of why I did what I did but I did it because I felt I needed to do so. A year on, I’m still struggling. Struggling to not put on a facade.

What I’m gonna do is acknowledging that I have a problem. I have a problem keeping up with my feelings and my thoughts to appreciate the time that these friendships gave me. I have a problem expressing myself so I’m often misunderstood or ignored. I have a problem being too preoccupied with myself that I forget it’s a two-way street. I have a problem that I want to be a good listener but I end up not really listening at all.

I miss my friends, of course. But I often find myself, drifting. Feeling so alone even in a room full of good people. I was terrified. Was I a positive contributor in this room? Why was/am I like this?

What am I doing wrong?

So I disappeared. I turned off whatsapp. Turned off Instagram. Turned off Facebook. For almost a month. A friend did try to call and message me but I ignored her. She tried but I didn’t accept the call or replied the message.

And she was the only one who truly tried to reach out. Yet she was the final trigger for my disappearance.

I came out of hiding and re-socialised. It felt different and the same.

I was still struggling.

I no longer converse with old friends from school. I busy myself with work and good friends from university. I am bad with keeping appointments that I’ve lost contact with a close friend from high school now.

A best friend I used to have is no longer interested in keeping tabs ever since our misunderstanding. We are civil but things are not the same anymore.

I do realise that people change. Their priorities change. Lifestyle changes. And I get that. Everyone has their struggles. And you know what, I’m actually okay, not being involved in the struggles of these people I used to know. This is simply because we’ve changed and no longer need to pretend we could learn to care about each other. Our paths are not aligned. It’s not like we didn’t try to make it right. The river has run its course.

So I make new friends. I try to. I’m still struggling with my issues. But I’m trying to make positive changes. Clean slate. Past matters but not to be carried forward.

But that is in no way that the disappearance has set everything in stone. Far from it. Since you are starting anew, whatever you decide from now will define your future. I’m still working on that – it’s slow but it’s progress anyway. I would love to reconnect but I’m not ready…nor prepared if things go south.

So. 

Good luck to us all who feel alone in a room full of people who supposedly understand us but don’t. Good luck to all of us who felt the need to disappear and then have the courage to reinvent themselves. Good luck to you, trying to make meaning of your life. Good luck to you, finding yourself in this vast world of mixed emotions and all.

Good luck and God bless.

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my love’s too big for you, my love

:)

It is one of those things that I’ve learned. People aren’t perfect. People make mistakes. At first, I was oblivious. No. Blind. I looked through the imperfections. I let myself become vulnerable. I know better now. I was angry. Then I looked at myself. I’ve done my share of bad things. So I suppose it’s only fair that something bad has happened to me. And that’s okay. I move on.

I get to know different sorts of people. How low a person can go. How high. My good friend once told me this:

you do realize you have to overcome this first, then you can move on to the problems of the world. if you have not fought this, it will be hard for you to accept what’s out there.

I wanted to believe that it was otherwise. The good people I have beside me have been so patient with me (or maybe not! hehe) and they’re glad that I’ve finally seen it for myself. Irony of that is that the person I’m disappointed with said to me this: “You have to see it to believe it”. And hell, I saw it without him realizing it. So thank you.

Life goes on as it never ends.

Yes, it’s painful. But everything will be okay. I’ll be okay.

 

The only person you have control over is yourself.

/E

Mixed Emotions

The past three weeks have been…a struggle.

I let go of few struggles. Then came another one. Then another. One can only cope so much…

People have their own struggles in life. It amazes me how people can overcome them…and even more amazed at those who think they can’t.

Woe is me.

I feel relieved, sad, probably heartbroken, scared, tired, lost? I can only find one positive feeling there. But I know this is temporary. Everything’s gonna be okay.

I met someone. Appreciation was mentioned, but I wasn’t recognized. It was not mutual. Then I noticed something. This isn’t a first time incident. The experiences aren’t exactly the same but similar. So I’m taking a stand. Again. I made a stand to one…two…three…and now four. Lesson learnt. I hope.

I made a stand to something that’s quite a big part of my life lately, too. Yes, I was scared and worried of what’s to come after. But I’m embracing this change. And I felt better. I feel better.

I’ve been tired. Of everything. For too long. Without me being able to face it upfront. There’s more to life than all this. So I made a decision. No more.

Just gotta be strong now. Pray. And be true to myself.

 

:’)

 

/E