Single and not quite available

I find myself more and more prone to questions like,

“so, when are you getting married?”
“Boyfriend? Married?”
“You, seriously, can’t be single right now?”
“Are you sure you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Yes, I’m sure.

These questions are becoming more frequent. They could come from my aunts, my cousins, my colleagues… People who really know me don’t ask me these questions because they don’t care and/or they know why my status is as it is.

I’m 27. The last relationship I had was far from stable. The relationship before that didn’t last long because, well, it was more of like an experiment (where the boy didn’t know anything about being in a relationship and I was kind enough to show him what lovely things relationships may bring. I was experimenting, dating a fresher). Then there’s that relationship. The that relationship.

The relationship I’m referring to lasted four years. Plans were made for the future. When we were gonna get married. Where we were gonna settle down. What career I was gonna have. How he was gonna climb up the career ladder. Yes, plans were indeed made. And they all came tumbling down when I stood up and said, “I don’t think this is working between us. We’re from different worlds. You want different things, I want different things.” It was three years ago; I don’t really remember what I said exactly but they were along those lines.

Moving forward, when I answer to people that I’m not seeing anyone, some of them would say, “it’s because you’re so choosy!” or “you are quite intimidating with what you’ve achieved in life.” Fuck. In that case, I want a man who would exceed my expectations and achieve greater things together.

Moving even more forward, I need to exceed my expectations. I need to have greater ambitions. More passionate about my passion. More enthusiastic about what I do well. I need to work on that. I need to work on myself. Why is it so hard? Why is it that I always find myself wanting a man to depend on…to complete me?

I’m kinda okay, not being with anyone right now. I’m okay that I’m 27 and still figuring myself out. I’m okay with not being okay. I’m not okay that I still feel incomplete. I’m not okay that I am still figuring my life out. And you know, that’s okay.

So, I think I know what my answer will be if anyone asks about my status.

“I’m okay like this for now. Thanks for asking.”



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